When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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