i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
