Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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