Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
