I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So much rum. So many feels.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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