Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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