the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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