So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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