so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
