shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Alive.
So much puke
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
