The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
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