Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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