Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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