Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
