nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
