i just wanna soil my oats bro
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
