Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
