I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
