I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just invented taco cereal.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Someone came in the potted fern
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
