SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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