Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I look better un-naked...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize