they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
