Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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