her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize