Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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