just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
