I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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