The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
