remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
