It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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