I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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