Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
