did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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