dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
