Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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