I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
