I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
