when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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