And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
