So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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