i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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