who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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