That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
