I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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