Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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