I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
And then he peed in my hair
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