Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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