Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
