dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
