I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
