Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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