Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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