1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
