i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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