Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize