what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
