apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
