I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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