Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Shitshow foam night was such a success
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Randomize
