I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
