Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
