dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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