You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
