I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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